BASTARD VEGAS HAMSTER WHEEL

It was the world series… of poker in Vegas, I was there for a month and I was not down with the get down.

I was not growing into anything, just a surviving human in a pretty jacked up situation driving into the brightest lights and the saddest souls. I just knew this was not the story I was meant to live. Surely the world is made of more beauty and purpose than the exchange of way too much cash, the hustling of sex and the illusion of a party.

The vibe pushed down on me, it made me sad for everyone who lived to work, worked to party and partied to escape work… and the hamster wheel rolls on and on. We are infinitely capable human beings, can’t we jump off of that wheel and choose our lives? We can choose to live better, to value people and not things, to cultivate with intentionality all of the things inside of us that we breathe in and out into the world.

Vegas came to an end, I got back to Nashville and broke up with the dude that insisted I go to Vegas in the first place. From there I flew to Hawaii, and began working on a project meant to help people that feel stuck in life. I met with athletes who had been cut from their teams and lost the one thing they believed gave them value, a father who had lost his wife to cancer, girls in abusive relationships, people in office jobs that were making them feel pointless and depressed, drug addicts. So many people, so many stories, so many untold stories from people no one would have thought were struggling. I found that people hadn’t told their stories, or really talked to anyone about what was really brewing inside of them because there is this pervasive idea that people only like and want to spend time with happy people.

I wanted to challenge this idea. I wanted to find a way to give purpose to the pain.

Film can make things seem real; exposing the reality and the isolating idea that you are the only one struggling in a particular way. It can challenge ideas we’ve held about people we haven’t understood, and help us explore a deeper connection to each other. So, let’s just say working in film beats Vegas all day everyday.

(Originally written for http://www.fancyrhino.com)

To be known: The island has a way

I’m in Kauai the first few days, and this guy emails me telling me he’s interested in the documentary.

It’s the afternoon and i walked into his bar and say “are you Nathan?” he says “who wants to know?” Everything seems to be out of a movie since i’ve been here. I see it all in scenes, i have meaningful conversations, i learn about people’s lives. The nature of even suggesting making this documentary causes people to open up, and i can ask questions and hear stories either about the islands or the lives of the people i meet. They are heavy stories, stories that fall out of their mouths within an hour, and sometimes moments of meeting. I get the feeling more and more that people truly want to be known. We attach a great deal of who we are to what our story has been, and of who we believe ourselves to be. Our past has value, it is a part of who we are, it is a part of what is to be known. The things that happened that never should have, the things we carry guilt for, and the ache we have for the places that have yet to be healed. This guy left Manhattan after a life of prison, being a drug dealing  gucci model, riddled by horrifying abuses since the age of 5. On the second day I learned about the scars on his neck, i learned about his way of thinking, i realized at the waterfall in the middle of nowhere how very alone i was with him. It wasn’t his past that scared me, it was the realization that i don’t know this person well enough to trust him not to hurt me. I am here to know people’s stories, and though i wouldn’t always recommend it, this is an adventure and people don’t sit in coffee shops and talk about their feelings here. You go on an adventure and you slowly let the stories flow. This is the way here. Unfortunately this subject became attached and too forward for me too stay in contact with him.

Hawaii Day 1

I’m out of it, i’m not sure if it’s the jet lag,the fact that i was up
at 7 this morning after no sleep the prior night, or that i didn’t
drink anything except a Kombucha and some margarita like drink made
for me by an Australian. I can’t possibly be hung over given that i
only drank about 2% of the monster drink he made… here goes, Hawaii
DAY 1.

I landed in Maui Hawaii on August 28th
Sam picks me up in his black pick up truck, and helps me get my
enormous military and duffle bag into the truck, we go to whole foods,
we talk about why i’m here; the documentary, the content, and he says
“this is perfect” and he knows just who i should talk to. He’s nice,
he’s calm, he looks a little younger than he is, but he has this wise
way about him. He brings me to a youth group service he and some of
his friends lead to build community among the youth, he asks me to
speak about why i’m there and talk about identity. The kids are
boisterous, they dance and sing to every pop song that plays as we gear
up for the message. I learn that they have come a long way from last
year. Behaviors have a changed, and the leaders say they listen more
now. They were listening about 60% when i spoke, and i had forgotten
just how much difficult it is to to speak when there are distractions
in your tiny but albeit  an audience. I told them how cool it was that i
had literally just gotten off of the plane and i was already with some
cool kids, and i explained to them what i hope to accomplish while i’m
in Hawaii, i felt the room full of distracted energy of kids who want
to jump around and sing Rhianna songs, so i quickly try to address the
concept of coming to grips with your identity like Sam asked me to do, and finding yourpurpose. It was a weak attempt, and i should have called upon my
substitute teaching days to get them to chill and listen but instead they won
and i wrapped it up for fear of boring them into a coma, or more likely
what looked like was about to turn into a tickle fight. Sam and Joshua
one of the other leaders spoke after me, and they had a little better
luck than i did. Sam connects with them, he persist past the struggle
and keeps going until they are all quietly listening.
The night goes on like this, i talk to more people, i have one of the
girls show me her Tahitian and hula dances… i try… : )
Sam takes me to the hostel right after, it’s a party hostel 100%
parrrrrrrrrrtay. There are about 20 different little pockets of
foreigners and my shirtless guide takes me around to
my room, explains the clothing optional, pot brownie hippie tours to another island this weekend,(thanks dude) it’s muggy, and everything feels wet and crowded.  So far, I have yet to
meet a girl who could speak anything other than broken English. I was
hoping to meet some girls initially since i’m traveling on my own and
it would be cool to know some girls in the hostel.No luck so far, so
on this night i set my bags in my shared room, and i walk myself down
to a pool room and interject on a game of pool with a guy
they call Texas, an Australian, and an Austrian. They are all friendly, playful, sweetboys who tell me there stories without much hesitance. That’s Day 1. I’m off to find a smoothie : )