A few days ago I ended what was a short lived relationship with a guy i had been seeing. Today i grappled with why i ended it, and i wasn’t satisfied with my answers. – No one wants to be stuck repeating the same mistakes.
A little back story, i’ve dated a good bit, and had 3 serious relationships, but after the last one i questioned my judgement so much that i’ve been pretty careful to never make that mistake again. As a result, one date, maybe three is usually as far as things go before i’m calling it quits. So, seeing someone for even any legitimate length of time changes the dynamic for me… However, when your dating life has become like the Groundhog day movie, you know something has to change. Recently, i’ve made a concerted effort to give people more time. I usually rely so much on my intuition that i almost never even give anyone a chance to become anything significant in my life. While i usually give myself a nice pat on the back being so wise, i’m realizing that sometimes it’s not wisdom, it’s horse shit disguised as discernment and actually functioning as a blockade between realistic expectations and the actual science of what develops between people physiologically… not to mention the soul. Connection is usually hard pressed to develop within the time frame i give it.
Back to the breakup, i had some legit reasons for ending things. I am moving out of the country in about a month, however some of my reasons were less than noble, and leaning hard into the territory of the coward i wish i wasn’t.
The truth, i was afraid to be a real person, to be less than fun, less than enjoyable to be around, to need anything, to ask hard questions. In trying to steer far from dramatics I convinced myself i would need to end it because i couldn’t silently need certain things to be met, but i was too afraid to talk about it, too afraid of seeming needy. After ending an engagement two years ago something shifted in me, and i came to believe that to express a need or to be vulnerable is weakness. Vulnerability really just seemed tied to expectations, and expectations just seemed like disappointment waiting to happen. I guess i got jaded, and decided that giving that much was too painful for me, because i learned some foolish things and i believed them. Vulnerability is not fun, not sexy and it’s the opposite of cool. Vulnerability would pop the illusion of my cool girl bubble, and i would be undesirable. I’m embarrassed by the contradiction in which i live, i can hear myself pep talking others on this very topic, and look back not so very far to this blog where i easily wrote “What Do You Want?” Meanwhile i swallow any feeling that could be a burden and refuse to lose control, to seem less than fine. Maybe expressing a need that is unmet won’t be met with the reaction i am seeking, but it has to be better than living in fear of rejection.
So i’ve learned a few things:
1. Sometimes it’s really necessary to give people more time. Don’t be so quick to discount anyone. Discernment might mean allowing things to develop slowly.
2.Vulerablity is a risk. Risk anyway.
3.Regret is a cruel teacher.
4. Use discernment to ask for what you want/need.
5. If you don’t want your dating life to look like Groundhog day you might need to rewrite some of your script.
Musing and Wandering 